It's Alive!

News flash: Steve Jobs is alive.

While making his opening remarks at a recent event, the Apple CEO joked about the speculation of his death with a sign that read, "The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."




He was then plugged into a Mac Book Pro to be recharged.

The Colonel's Secret Recipe

Kentucky Fried Chicken is beefing up security measures to ensure their Original recipe remains just that...original.

Is that really necessary? You're telling me we can identify the 25,000 genes that make up the human genome, but not the 11 herbs and spices that make up Colonel Sanders' Original Recipe?

I'm fairly certain if we simply hand Gordon Ramsay a drumstick he could crack the code. Although, he would likely then berate and belittle the moron who suggested he do this ridiculous exercise in the first place.

My apologies Mr. Ramsay. Love the show.

Nsync to Reunite?

According to Lance Bass, Nsync is set to reunite...in 5 years...

“It could be possibly a year, it could be five years from now,” Bass said. “Depends on everyone’s schedules kind of aligning together.”

Which begs the question...what schedules? Did Celebrity Circus get renewed? Is Randy Jackson presenting another season of America's Best Dance Crew? Did Chris Kirkpatrick use up all of his paid-leave at Pizza Hut? Does Pizza Hut actually offer paid-leave to its employees?

What Lance really means, is it depends on whether Justin Timberlake actually remembers who they are.

Yes, that's a Grammy in his hands.

the award for greatest side effect goes to...

symbicort!!

because lord knows the one thing i look for in an asthma medication is a side effect increasing the chances of me dying from say...an asthma attack.

http://www.mysymbicort.com/symbicort/index.aspx?#isi

i can't wait till someone starts manufacturing a cholesterol medication that induces heart attacks.

don't mess with the swaze

patrick swayze is apparently rallying against reports he is ending his acting career because of his battle with pancreatic cancer. swayze reportedly pulled out of his latest project "fired up", where he was set to play a gay cheerleading coach.

...

ok, who else is thinking cancer might be his best career move yet?

personally i'm looking for swayze to resurrect his career in road house 2, just like sylvester stallone did with rambo 18.

oh wait...the studios have already milked that cash cow...

goodbye jin.

** spoiler alert** do not contin JIN DIED!!!!

if that ruined the episode for anybody...well too bad, you should've watched it when it aired. i wish more websites would do that.

anyway, the bad news--we found out that jin made it off the island but died somehow. my first instinct is he met his maker while fighting 12 polar bears and a black cloud...but i guess we'll have to wait to find out.

the good news is they've done it in a way so that jin is still on the show. thank god for flash-forwards!

side note--i've noticed an alarming trend that when someone is arrested for drunk driving, they are killed in the show. ana lucia...libby...and now jin...

i was originally looking for a picture of just jin...but anytime you can add sun and kate into the mix you gotta roll with it. and yes, they get an extra big picture.

this is not how i met your mother

kids...this is not how i met your mother.

that will hopefully be bob saget's opening line in the premiere of how i met your mother when britney spears is set to guest star. as himym is on the bubble to be renewed i am willing to accept any cheap trick in the book to get ratings--even if it means bringing a walking time bomb like tick tock spears on for an episode.



on a brighter note, to offset the craziness, sarah chalke (of scrubs fame) has been brought on to play a dermatologist turned love interest for ted! and as co-creater thomas craig so aptly puts it, "we already know she looks damn good in a lab coat."



couldn't have said it any better t.c.

condom anyone?

according to a new report from the cdc, nearly 1 in 4 teen girls have an std.

and who says jamie lynn isn't a role model???

happy birthday walker, texas ranger

on this glorious day in 1940, chuck norris punched out of his mother's womb and introduced himself to the world.

which begs the obvious question: who would win in a fight--chuck norris or an attack helicopter??

tops in the box office

continuing george lucas' trend of filming prequels only after the original was released, 10,000 b.c. (prequel to apocalypto) was tops in the box office raking in a little over $35 million.

i look forward to the final installment of this trilogy, 13.7 billion b.c., where a small, courageous particle collides with a bigger, tyrannical one which leads to the birth of our universe.

Black Sheep

women on the web (http://www.wowowow.com/), a new website aimed towards women over 40, was launched this past weekend by lesley stahl from 60 minutes and other various women in the media and entertainment industry.

at first i was a bit confused as to how they decided on the url wowowow. women on the web...on the web...on the web? and after seeing all the celebrity contributors i now see that it stands for white women...on the web...and whoopi.

talk about being the black sheep.

Matt Damon & Wife Expecting 2nd Child

matt damon and his wife are expecting their second child later this year. while in labor, i fully expect baby bourne to stealthily escape the womb and phone damon from a rooftop across the street while pointing a sniper rifle at his head.

mo money mo problems

lindsey lohan has come out and blamed work stress for her substance abuse problems. "i had a lot of work stress because i was constantly working and never took time to stop."

with emotionally charged performances in 'just my luck' and 'herbie fully loaded' who couldn't see this coming? i mean i'd break down too if i found out all my luck had been stolen and my car was alive.

networks: 1 writers: 0

les moonves told investors this morning that cbs' "financial picture was not affected negatively in any way shape or form." moonves further added that they were able to manage costs "in ways that that will allow us to operate more efficiently going forward." i.e. less scripted shows--more hidden gems like "my dad is better than your dad."

awesome. oh, and the cherry on top?

moonves goes on to say there was a lot of wasted spending in the past--"you don't need to spend $5 million on a pilot."

so i just want to make sure i get all of this straight:

not only have the writers been unemployed the last 4 months, but they are returning to a landscape that will provide them with fewer jobs and less money???

well at least writers can fall back on all their internet residuals.

...

i look forward to their next strike in 2011.

is it just me or do they actually look happy to be on strike...

pomp and circumstance

congratulations to jamie lynn spears for earning her GED diploma. the young spears is apparently now weighing her college options--what in the world those options happen to be is anybody's guess.

apparently a source--aka dr. phil--told people.com: "she's not wasting any time. people don't know her. when she gets something in her head, she'll make it happen..."

...like having a baby.

and yes, these two will be teaching baby spears life's valuable lessons.

didn't you die in grey's anatomy?

javier bardem and jeffrey dean morgan are totally brothers from another mother. talk about a famous family. one just won an oscar. the other died in grey's anatomy...and weeds. talk about type casting.

=

i'm looking for john connor.

ok, before i start this post, i just want to say that tilda swinton did a great job in her role in michael clayton--hence her well-deserved oscar win.

but seriously...she scares the fuck out of me.



this isn't the innocent gaze of an oscar winning actress. no. this is the cold stare of a t-1000 analyzing to determine if you are john connor.

this may be a stretch...

ok...i fully understand that i might be way off on this...but how about this separated at birth pairing?

sayid from lost and amare stoudemire from the phoenix suns.

=

anyone else see the family resemblance???

son...they got us.

one of my favorite lines from indiana jones and the last crusade. if you are a fan, that quote needs no setup. also, if you are a fan, you'll enjoy the new teaser trailer that just came out!




shout out to tiger woods for sending this to me.

"you know tiger woods?"

please, do you mean does tiger woods know the couch potato????

no.

but that's what i call my friend since he's an exact replica of tiger woods if you took away his blackness, i.e. his athletic ability.

please, you think jackie chan could drive the ball 350+ yards down the fairway? maybe, if he had a little chris tucker in him.

mia...what?

what's the name of lucy liu's character in cashmere mafia?? anyone?

answer: mia mason.

lucy LIU's character name is mia MASON.



mason...

happy birthday sarah lancaster

for those of you who actually know who i am talking about you will absolutely dominate when the trivial pursuit: worthless 1993 television edition comes out.

for the rest of us, sarah lancaster played rachel meyers in the first of many "classes" to attempt to succeed the original cast of saved by the bell.



and, yes, that's her on the bottom right. i have no idea what she's looking at. everyone else seemed to understand the concept of looking into the camera.

however, the highlight of her carrer was playing lisa the gift shop girl in scrubs.



so happy 28th birthday sarah. don't fret that you're the 8th person listed in the birthday section of imdb's homepage--ahead of only joanna kerns (the mom) from growing pains--one day...one day far, far off into the future...you will be number 1. if only dr. vegas took off, huh? if only...

side bar--query: how many seasons did saved by the bell: the new class last? SEVEN. that's right, from 1993 to 2000, nbc kept churning out episode after episode. it survived the turn of the century for crying out loud!

no wonder nbc has hit the shitter. it's just like mad cow disease. nbc ate some bad hamburger helper in '93 and only now are the symptoms starting to show.

worst top 10 in history.

i would like to challenge anyone out there to find a top 10 box office list more ridiculous than this past weekend's.

1. fool's gold

to be honest i don't really need to go any further, but to round out this whole "top 10" business i will...regrettably.

2. welcome home roscoe jenkins
3. hannah montana/miley cyrus: best of both worlds concert tour

4. the eye

5. juno**

6. 27 dresses

7. the bucket list

8. rambo

9. meet the spartans

10. there will be blood**

**these 2 movies single-handedly kept my faith in the american people from reaching an all-time low. that illustrious occassion still belongs to election night 2004. that is until step up 2 hits number one in the box office this week.

seaquest out

roy schneider from the film jaws passed away yesterday at the age of 75. after spielberg and the mechanical shark, i have roy to thank for my absolute refusal to go into the ocean for a good portion of my childhood.

however, i'll always remember him for his portrayal of captain jean luc picard under water in seaquest: dsv.






here's a moment of silence for you roy.

... (that's me not typing)

we'll miss you.

cashmere mafia: 1 lipstick jungle: 0.5

in the first of many head to head match ups between c. maf and the jungle, c. maf edges the jungle in an attempt at ethnic diversity. while the jungle employs the half asian lindsey price, c. maf goes all out and upgrades to the fully equipped asian, lucy liu.

VS.

for my racist readers out there, don't go reaching for your rifles and nooses just yet, the rest of the cast is sparkling white.

sex and the city ver. 3.0

just finished viewing the pilot for sex and the city ver 3.0, aka cashmere mafia 2.0, aka lipstick jungle.

i'd like to congratulate the lastest member of pretty in pink's class of '86 to make it back to the big screen...well...small screen. joining fellow classmates jon cryer (duckie/2 and a half men) and james spader (typical 80's jerk/boston legal), andrew mccarthy has re-emerged as the billionaire love interest for lindsey price.

oh molly ringwald, where are you?

family reunion

am i really the only person in the world that thinks comedian sherrod small and nba player dwayne wade are brothers?

a new love.

the latest to be added to my ever-growing list of loves is jillian lewis from project runway. congratulations jillian. you have now joined the likes of tina fey, rachel weisz and mia hamm. yeah, that's right. mia hamm.

eli "crash override" stone

what does a fictional prominent lawyer, who clerked for justice ginsburg, do in his spare time? hack the world's computers of course. yes, eli stone--aka crash override--not only is possibly a prophet, but once saved the world from a terrible computer virus.

ok, at least he played a character that did in "hackers." oh, and let's not forget that he's done the dirty with angelina "acid burn" jolie.



i mock, but i actually enjoyed the pilot for eli stone. so check it out. thursdays. 10 pm. after lost. you're welcome abc.

icebox? more like hotbox.

shawna waldron of little giants fame is all grown up.

icebox then:

icebox now:

moral of the story? don't dismiss the flannel-dressed, football-tackling tomboy down the street. she might one day look like this:

sayid vs. jack bauer

who would win in a fight? sayid or jack bauer?

VS.

in a battle of crazies, it's a known fact you go with the ethnic crazy over the vanilla crazy.

and while we have sayid here with us...does anyone else see a striking resemblance to a certain backstreet boy?

cannon ball anyone?

lamest moment of the lost premiere? hurley's apparent epiphany he wanted to cannon ball into the ocean.

second lamest moment of the lost premiere? old white man no one cares about encouraging said cannon ball. you know you're off the radar when imdb doesn't even have a picture of you. seriously...i think i'm even in there somewhere for my 3rd grade re-make of "the little mermaid."

greatest moment of the premiere? the return of sun. seriously...she is striking. and yes, she gets an extra big picture.